|This page is a transcript for the Season Four episode Tag, You're Me.|
Joan Watson: Oh Are you cooking? Or did we get stampeded by a class of second graders?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm cooking, for Clyde. I'm formulating a home blend of snacks to increase his mineral intake.
Watson: Oh, um, I stopped by the station. I ran into Captain Gregson.
Sherlock: Did he seem pleased about the Chief of Detectives' sudden reversal regarding our status?
Watson: He did. And as far as I could tell, he didn't know anything about your father pulling any strings. Just a higher-up changing his mind.
Sherlock: Well, the Captain is a political animal. I'm sure he's used to not looking gift horses in mouths.
Watson: Mmm. So, how much longer are you gonna be in here for? Because this housemate needs to eat, too.
Watson: Bike sharing.
Sherlock: I'm gonna make some calls.
Watson: Oh. What about the bowls?
Sherlock: They'll hose right off. Outside, not in the sink.
Intruder: On your knees!
Otto Neuhaus: It's all right. Take what you want. I won't interfere.
Intruder: I said on your knees!
Otto Neuhaus: Okay.
Intruder: I've been waiting a long time for this.
Otto Neuhaus: Oh, Gott. Sie denken, please, this is all a mistake...
Intruder: Shut up!
Timothy Wagner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man. It's cool. Take what you want!
Detective Bell: Let's process the suitcase in the guest room as evidence, all right? Thanks. Hey. Look who they pulled off the bench.
Sherlock: You said you had something interesting.
Bell: Missed you, too. Two male victims, multiple gunshots to both. Shooter seems like a pro. Haven't found any shell casings. And from the position of this head shot, he had this one on his knees, under control. But not that one. Maybe lost control of him, maybe never had it.
Watson: The neighbors see or hear anything?
Bell: Cleaning lady found 'em in the morning. Can I get the I.D.s? Thanks. One of them's named Timothy Wagner. He's a bonds broker, he was the owner of this apartment. Other one's Otto Neuhaus. German citizen. He lived in Hamburg. Looks like he was only in town for a few days.
Watson: They're identical.
Sherlock: Close. But not quite.
Bell: Well, close enough that we can't tell which one's which. Shooter must've gone through their pockets after he killed them. Their I.D.s were out on the floor.
Sherlock: Well, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you just didn't look closely yet. This man and only this man reeks of a German brand of cigarette called Oberste. There are no indicators that the occupant of this apartment smoked. Ashtrays, lighters, odors in the upholstery. This is Neuhaus. His hair has been freshly cut and dyed. His glasses have no prescription. He's even used subtle contouring makeup to narrow the appearance of his nose. All of this to make him look more like Mr. Wagner than he already did. Why he did any of this and what relation it has, if any, to his murder or that of Mr. Wagner's remains to be seen.
Bell: We've already reached out to the next of kin to I.D. the bodies.
Sherlock: I'm confident they'll confirm what I just said.
Bell: Not betting against you but we still have to go through the process. It'll take some time for Neuhaus' family to fly in from Hamburg, but Wagner's father is meeting us at the Morgue.
Watson: I'll go with you. Maybe he'll have some idea what happened here.
Tim's Father: Any of you ever had to do this? Identify a loved one?
Watson: No, we haven't.
Tim's Father: I can't even think straight. I can't tell the difference. Tim had a birthmark. On his right side.
Watson: Mr. Wagner, had you heard of Otto Neuhaus before today?
Tim's Father: No.
Watson: Do you have any idea how he and your son might have known each other?
Tim's Father: Tim and I hadn't been close for a while. I don't think I'd seen him in a year.
Bell: We're gonna collect DNA samples from both Tim and Otto to compare for family markers, but maybe you can give us a head start. To your knowledge, is there any chance they were related? Maybe one of them found the other because of that.
Tim's Father: I'm sorry. I can't even tell you that. Tim was adopted.
Morland Holmes: And follow up with Prince Olaf's office. Make sure he received the gift I sent him. Thank you. Was I expecting you?
Sherlock: Not to my knowledge. But I can't rule out your having foreseen it via the black arts.
Morland: Is there a problem?
Sherlock: You're still here.
Morland: It's my office.
Sherlock: I'm talking about New York. The photograph in this paper. In it you can see La Bonne Pause, a restaurant known for its patio seating. Ordinarily at the time this photograph was taken, that patio would be packed. Here, it's deserted. La Bonne Pause is one of your preferred venues for business meals, and when that business is of a sensitive nature, you buy it out for privacy.
Morland: I'm unclear as to why my lingering here is so troubling for you.
Sherlock: You came here because you felt compelled to offer me your help. I did you the courtesy of accepting that help.
Morland: Oh. You did that as a courtesy.
Sherlock: I was under the impression it was important to you. Not to say I'm ungrateful. Are you waiting for the magic words before you disappear? Because thank you. The work that I do requires my complete mental faculty. Your presence here is an irritant. It's a burr in my cognitive fabric. I had assumed that, as with similar occasions in the past, you would take the completion of our transaction as your cue to be on your way.
Morland: If you must know, I am still in New York because I'm working on a project. Something of a puzzle it may take some time to solve. And when it's done, I'll move on.
Sherlock: Well, perhaps I can be of assistance. Quite good with puzzles. You've known that longer than anyone. You'll get the benefit of my help, and I'll get a father-free New York. A win for both of us.
Watson: Oh, hey. Everything settled with your father?
Sherlock: It will be. I'm gonna do some work for him. So I came as soon as I got your text. Detective Bell?
Sherlock: All right. And this apartment pertains to our doppel-homicide how?
Watson: The DNA test results came back for Tim Wagner and Otto Neuhaus. They definitely were not related. But Tim or someone who looked like Tim withdrew a $100,000 cashier's check from his bank account last week. As far as we know, that money is gone. Now, I looked at both victims' phones, and there's only one number that appears on both call logs. It belongs to a paralegal named Dorian...
Sherlock: Dorian Moll. And this is his apartment. I saw the name on the mailbox downstairs. So, two dead look-alikes, $100,000 in missing cash, and the individual who was in touch with both and seems to have gone to ground.
Watson: Clothing gone from the closet. Computer cables but no laptop. Cell phone left behind with its SIM card broken.
Sherlock: The two of you are considering the possibility he was involved in an identity scam?
Bell: Honestly, we don't know what he was involved in. Something back here you should see. Could be some kind of organized con operation, maybe some kinky sex thing.
Watson: Whatever it was, it was obviously bigger than just Tim Wagner and Otto Neuhaus.
Bell (phone): CSU's sending an A-Run to collect what's up there. The unis will hang back for them. Will do.
Bell: That was the Captain. He got the search results for Dorian Moll. No priors. His last known address was his parents' house in Forest Hills.
Watson: Worth a visit, right? Even if he's not there, they might know some friends we can talk to.
Sherlock: This is the, uh, apartment next to the one we were just at. This is 2-D, yes?
Bell: Sounds right.
Sherlock: So, I noticed in the lobby the mail was gathering for Apartment 2-D. There's also delivery menus piling up outside the front door.
Watson: Well, if that person's been away that long, they probably didn't leave the AC on.
Sherlock: The apartment shares a fire escape with Dorian Moll's. If he's looking for a place to hide and he knows his neighbor's out of town...
Bell (radio): Hey, guys, knock on 2D. And stay sharp. We think Moll might be in there.
Bell: Back away. Dorian Moll. Police. Don't move. Do us all a favor keep your hands where I can see 'em. All right, turn around.
Watson: There's a look.
Dorian Moll: I had to do this. It confuses facial recognition software. Computers can't identify your face if they can't tell it's a face.
Sherlock: You think someone's pursuing you using facial recognition software.
Moll: Not someone. Some company. They're trying to kill me.
Moll: I'm sorry I tried to run, okay? It's just, I don't know how deep this thing goes.
Bell: "This thing" being a disagreement you're in with a company that makes facial recognition software?
Moll: Countenance Technologies. They're the ones who are after me.
Sherlock: And they are so all-seeing that you felt the need to adopt the guise of a clown from the future.
Moll: Look, F.R. is everywhere. Businesses I.D. you the second you walk in. Billboards can pick which ads to show you. Churches use it to track attendance. Yeah, Jesus saves. Your data.
Bell: How about we take things a little bit slower? Now, good news is, you don't strike us as a cold-blooded killer, but with two guys dead, the way you tried to run, and all this? You get why we're trying to understand what's going on.
Moll: Last year I created a site called DoppelHunt.com. I help people find people that look like them.
Moll: People all over the world are putting pics of themselves online every day. The technology's gotten so good you really can find your own twin.
Bell: Remind me, is that how Peter did it on The Brady Bunch?
Sherlock: Behold, an infinity mirror of millennial narcissism. He seeks fame by promising others they'll get to look at themselves.
Watson: So it says on your site here that you take volunteers. Is that how Tim and Otto got involved?
Moll: Yeah, Tim contacted me first and we used his picture to find Otto.
Bell: And this company you're worried about, Countenance, they provide the, what, search program?
Moll: I wouldn't say "provide". I, I came across a copy and modded it to hunt for lookalikes, and then I took some shots at Countenance on the site. When I'd find a match I'd upload the photos and prove how good the match was by showing that it could fool their original software. Even it would confuse one twin for the other.
Watson: So first you steal their software and then you embarrass them with it.
Moll: Stick it to the man, right? Countenance sent me a cease and desist letter, I posted that on the site and that's when I really started to get hits.
Watson: Okay. Well, I get why they'd be angry with you, but not enough to commit murder.
Moll: Couple of weeks ago I'm walking home from the train and someone tried to mug me. He had on a mask, he shoved me into a stairwell and pulled out a knife. I kicked at him and got away.
Bell: Did you file a police report?
Moll: I never saw his face, so I figured what's the point? Then I heard that Tim and Otto were dead, and I remembered. The guy who jumped me, he never asked for my wallet. Why? Because it wasn't a mugging. It was an assassination attempt. Countenance never tried to sue me. That would've made it more public, and they just wanted it to end. F.R. is a billion-dollar business and I proved that their software's flawed. Tell me that's not a motive for murder.
Watson: So that was Marcus. The $100,000 check turned up.
Sherlock: Do tell.
Moll: Otto had mailed it to himself back in Germany, probably to avoid carrying it through customs. We still don't know whether he stole it or Tim gave it to him.
Watson: Oh. I see Clyde likes the food you made him.
Watson: Or he just appreciates his dinner date going the extra mile.
Sherlock: Eh, close, but wrong cold-blooded reptile. My dinner date is my father. I can understand you confusing him with Clyde. They could be doppelgangers. A car will be here for me shortly. I'm meeting him at a formal charity function. Malaria research or something. He wasn't sure. Anyway, the point is to sup with her.
Watson: Donya Esfandiari.
Sherlock: One of the richest hoteliers in the world. She's currently building a resort on the Pacific coast of Costa Rica. Simultaneously, as it happens, the global energy firm for which Father consults wishes to erect a wind farm nearby. Mrs. Esfandiari has won an injunction against the wind farm, asserting that it would impair her view. Now, Father thinks she's willing to drop it given the right favors in return.
Watson: Well, between everything you told me and meeting him myself, I just, you know, imagined him doing heavier stuff. Seems a little, I don't know frivolous.
Sherlock: Father's work is anything but frivolous, I assure you. Thanks to him, this energy firm and other clients like them have literally brought light to lands that were dark and, just as often, rained darkness where once there was light. Father doesn't distinguish. Perhaps you need sanctions eased against a rogue nation so that you can sell them your tanks or your factories can only spew toxins if the U.S. doesn't sign an emissions treaty. Father can make it so, with the moral neutrality of the plague.
Watson: Now that sounds more like the guy I met. So if what he does is so evil, then...
Sherlock: Not evil. Neutral. Like a shark or tsunami.
Watson: Fine, distasteful. Then why are you spending time with him?
Sherlock: So that, ironically, I can spend less. As soon as he closes this negotiation, he will be gone. I'm to be another pair of eyes this evening. I'm to watch Mrs. Esfandiari, observe her breathing, blink rate and other nonverbals, while she and Father talk. Unfortunately, it means you and Detective Bell will have to visit Countenance Technologies without me.
Watson: Wait, what? Countenance Technologies? That's the company that Dorian Moll stole that software from. I thought you said that his story sounded paranoid.
Sherlock: I admit I initially thought his tale was far-fetched. But I looked into Countenance all the same. To my surprise, there may be merit to Dorian's belief that the company was coming for him after all.
Bell: Remind me to untag every picture ever posted of me online.
Curtis Tofano: Detective Bell. Ms. Watson. I'm Curtis Tofano. You wanted to talk to me?
Bell: Mr. Tofano, there was a double-homicide in Tribeca the night before last. Two men who looked a lot alike. It made the news. Maybe you saw it?
Tofano: Uh, sorry.
Watson: Do you know someone named Dorian Moll or have you ever heard of DoppleHunt.com?
Tofano: Unfortunately, yeah.
Watson: The two murder victims met on his Web site. We know that your company was pretty upset about what he was doing.
Tofano: Wait a second, you're not suggesting that some...
Bell: No, I know. Even we didn't think you could've cared that much, but then a colleague of our noticed this.
Watson: That's you, right? You participated in a DoppelHunt, and you gave Dorian a fake name when you did. So obviously you cared enough to check him out.
Bell: So can you account for your whereabouts two nights ago from 8:00 p.m. on?
Tofano: Can we talk about this in my office?
Tofano: First of all, I was in Cooperstown all week. I just got back last night.
Watson: Cooperstown, as in the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Tofano: I went to college nearby. I go up every year for induction. About 100 people saw me. I was probably even on TV.
Bell: Okay. Assuming that checks out, let's talk about Dorian Moll. The company sent you to get intel on his site, maybe they were willing to go further?
Tofano: You've got it all wrong. Nobody here was involved in any murders. You're right that my bosses asked me to perform a little corporate espionage. Dorian had found a flaw in our program. He proved it could be fooled. We needed to find out what he was up to so we could adapt.
Watson: So you expressing interest in a DoppelHunt was just a cover.
Tofano: It was a way for me to get into Dorian's apartment and onto his Wi-Fi. He stole from us. So we stole back.
Bell: What exactly did you take?
Tofano: I downloaded all of his code and gave it to our guys to analyze. They're fine-tuning our algorithms as we speak. At the end of the day, Dorian forced us to make a better product. That's it.
Bell: And your bosses are gonna tell it the same way?
Tofano: I can walk you up the hall right now and you can talk to whoever you like.
Morland: Well, it certainly can't hurt to have the local power station in your debt, Donya. It would be an easy thing to arrange a substantial discount.
Donya Esfandiari: Tell me, Morland, do you still have friends at the Panama Canal Authority?
Morland: I count the chair among them.
Esfandiari: I will, of course, be importing Italian marble, French wines The list is endless.
Morland: Consider your shipments expedited.
Esfandiari: But we have to continue after the presentations. Excuse me.
Sherlock: Well, she's hiding something.
Morland: I'm aware.
Sherlock: Ordinarily, when she smiles, it's broad and genuine. Her crow's-feet support this. Tonight, every time she smiled, it's been strained.
Morland: This shouldn't be as difficult as it is. She's expressed a willingness to compromise, and the concern about the view from her hotel is obviously a feint. For whatever reason, she can't simply say what she wants.
Sherlock: Mmm. Not drinking?
Morland: I was under the impression that I shouldn't. At least not in your presence.
Sherlock: Well, as long as you don't take your wine intravenously, I should be okay.
Morland: Has it struck you that this will be the first meal we've had together in decades?
Sherlock: Well, you went out of your way to make that so.
Morland: Playing the victim doesn't suit you, Sherlock.
Sherlock: Well, she's comfortable now.
Morland: We're leaving.
Sherlock: You've grown tempestuous in your old age. Or is that you've bedded the widow Esfandiari?
Morland: I have not. This is not a tantrum you're witnessing, it's clarity. You were right. Donya did seem quite comfortable speaking with that man, as if they were close friends, wouldn't you say?
Sherlock: And this holds special meaning to you because?
Morland: His brother-in-law is the president of Panama. It's safe to say that he has contact with the Canal Authority.
Sherlock: So she's asking for things she doesn't need.
Morland: She's stringing me along. She has no intention of ever dropping the injunction. I need to find out why. I'm sorry we didn't make more headway tonight. I'm afraid you'll have to tolerate my presence in your city a bit longer.
Sherlock (phone): Watson, how went your meeting at Countenance Technologies?
Watson (phone): The guy whose photo you found, Curtis Tofano, he did do some spying on Dorian, but it doesn't look like the company had anyone killed.
Sherlock (phone): Well, that's unfortunate.
Watson (phone): Yeah, listen, I'm calling because the Captain asked us to come down to the station. Some guy named Evan Farrow came in a little while ago, said he might have some information about why Wagner and Neuhaus were killed.
Sherlock (phone): "Might" have some information. That doesn't sound like it warrants a trip across town.
Watson (phone): Trust me, I think we're going to want to hear what he has to say. He looks just like the victims.
Evan Farrow: A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from this Web site, DoppelHunt.com. They sent me pictures of a guy who looks enough like me to be my twin, Tim Wagner. The site put us in touch with each other. At first we Skyped and it was fun. We both thought the whole thing was pretty crazy. Then Tim suggested that we get together. When we did, he admitted to me that he wanted my help with something. He offered me ten grand to go to a lab, tell them I was him, show them his driver's license, take some DNA test.
Captain Gregson: Did he say what the test was for?
Farrow: I figured it was a paternity thing. When I asked him, he said he wouldn't tell me anything more until I said I was on board.
Watson: Obviously you turned him down.
Farrow: I told him I didn't want any part of it. And that was the last time we talked. But then I saw on the news that he and another guy who looked like him, us, that they were murdered. I figured it had to be related.
Sherlock: Didn't happen to mention the name of the lab he wanted you to visit, did he?
Farrow: Sorry. All he said was it had to happen soon.
Tape Recording: To the tables where our bottles meet, and underneath them, too...
Watson: I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a Peter Gabriel song.
Sherlock: Never heard of him. This, Watson, is the official fraternity song of Kappa Rho Pi, Oriskany Falls University Chapter. Over 100 years old and still making eardrums bleed. It is also the answer to our questions about Tim Wagner and his lookalikes. Or at least, the theory of an answer.
Watson: Mmm. Thanks.
Sherlock: Last night I began to explore possible reasons why Tim Wagner wanted to dodge a DNA test. His second, more scrupulous twin thought it was to do with a paternity matter. I now believe Mr. Wagner wished to avoid being charged with murder.
Watson: If he was a suspect in a murder investigation, Marcus would've caught it days ago.
Sherlock: Only if it was a federal case or in the City of New York. Which is why I began to look at other jurisdictions where Tim Wagner resided in the past.
Watson: Hey, what do monkeys have to do with anything?
Sherlock: They might be the key to exercising my father from New York. I worked on multiple fronts last night, including my father's wind farm conundrum. These are the lower primates I would like you to consider.
Watson: Kappa Rho Pi, Oriskany Falls University. Oh, there's Tim Wagner.
Sherlock: OFU is an elite school set in the typically quiet hamlet of Oriskany Falls, New York. Quiet, that is, except for several middling drinking songs and one tragic event, eleven years ago.
Watson: "Fraternity pledge goes missing during rush week."
Sherlock: Harold Cudlow was pledging Kappa Rho Pi in 2004. His roommate said that Howard was summoned by his would-be brothers on November 5, presumably part of the hazing that pledges are routinely subjected to. The police questioned members of the fraternity in the days that followed...
Watson: But they didn't have any proof of foul play. They never found the body.
Sherlock: Till six months ago. Construction on a new student center was just underway in 2004. This spring, the pavement was dug up for repairs and Howard Cudlow's remains were found beneath the concrete.
Watson: The M.E. identified broken bones consistent with a fall, including a severed spine. The concrete helped preserve parts of the body.
Sherlock: As well as some rather interesting DNA evidence. The fall didn't kill him, you see.
Watson: Someone strangled him.
Gregson (phone): All right. Well, thanks. Keep me posted.
Gregson: All right. That was the chief of police up in Oriskany Falls. You were right about them liking Wagner for Cudlow's murder.
Sherlock: And pursuant to that, they had requested a DNA sample?
Gregson: Along with every other Kappa Rho Pi frat brother from 2004, all voluntary. They didn't have grounds to compel anyone. Everybody, except Wagner, complied and was cleared.
Watson: He knew the DNA found on Cudlow was his so he dragged his feet while he searched for a double who'd take the test for him.
Sherlock: Well, this changes things. Obviously we've uncovered Tim Wagner's motive for twinning himself. It stands to reason we've also uncovered the motive of the individual who shot him to death.
Bell: It was someone who wanted revenge for Cudlow's murder. They came after Wagner 'cause he was acting guilty.
Sherlock: That would suggest that they knew Tim Wagner had failed to come forward and was the only suspect to do so.
Watson: You think it's someone with inside knowledge. Someone who was working the investigation in Oriskany Falls.
Gregson: When I was talking to the chief there, I was thinking the same thing. I knew he was holding back on me. I had to pull it out of him. Howard Cudlow's brother is one of his cops. They're on the way to talk to him now.
Bell: Captain figures it'll be at least a few hours before we get our crack at Sean Cudlow. You can come back if you want, but I got to say, it looks like we got our guy.
Sherlock: All right, I'll let Sherlock know.
Bell: Am I crazy or did I just hear him speak in perfect Spanish?
Sherlock: Yeah, fluent in three dozen languages, but the man has never seen Say Anything.
Bell: That's an '80s movie, right?
Watson: You want me to punch you, right?
Sherlock: I have business to attend to. More fun with wind farms.
Watson: Was that a good call or a bad one?
Sherlock: Father should start packing his bags.
Esfandiari: I hope the two of you haven't been waiting long.
Morland: We were well attended to.
Esfandiari: Oh, please. I was worried something happened when you left so suddenly the other night.
Morland: Something did. I realized you were wasting my time.
Esfandiari: Excuse me?
Morland: You're not really worried about a wind farm affecting the view from your hotel in Costa Rica. You feigned interest in compromise so as not to arouse suspicion. Once you and I simply failed to reach a deal, no one would ever ask the real reason you wanted the farm to go away.
Sherlock: Do the words "mono titi" mean anything to you?
Esfandiari: I'm afraid they do not.
Sherlock: Well, it's what the Costa Ricans call this animal. You might know it better as the black crowned squirrel monkey. It's an endangered species native to that part of Central America, protected by both the Costa Rican government and international convention. Now, a squirrel monkey habitat was recently discovered and it partially overlaps the area that you wish to build your resort.
Esfandiari: I'm shocked to hear this. I had no idea.
Morland: I sincerely doubt that. My son looked into the environmental impact study done for your plans. He discovered that the government biologist who rubber-stamped them promptly left the country.
Sherlock: If you're wondering where someone flees to after accepting a life-changing bribe when they already live in Costa Rica, the answer is Switzerland.
Morland: The habitat also occupies part of the space intended for the wind farm. When my clients conduct their environmental study, they will discover the monkeys' habitat as well. And its extension into your property.
Esfandiari: What is it you want?
Morland: I want nothing. In fact, I'm here to offer you a favor. My client will publish this press release in a hour. It's a pledge to revise their plans for the wind farm in order to protect the black crowned squirrel monkey. Of course, once word of the habitat gets out, that will be the end of your resort and an embarrassment to you. But if you wish, I could persuade my client to let you add your name to the release, make the same pledge. You can be heroes together. The decision is yours.
Officer Sean Cudlow: When Howie first went missing, we all knew what happened. Not the details, but pretty much. Only nobody could do anything about it. All the rich kids just closed ranks. Kept their mouths shut. And the one who did it just got away with it. He went on got to have a life. Howie didn't. I became a cop to see this through. To make sure the son of a bitch who killed my brother paid. I'll take what's coming to me.
Gregson: You admit to killing Tim Wagner and Otto Neuhaus?
Sean Cudlow: I only meant to get Wagner. But the other guy looked so much like him. I still don't know why he was there.
Gregson: We know that you do, Sean.
Bell: He was going to take the DNA test for Wagner. Wagner found him on DoppelHunt.com. That's why you wanted to hurt Dorian Moll, right, because you thought he was in on it?
Sean Cudlow: I, I don't know what you're talking about. Dorian Moll? I've never even heard that name before.
Gregson: Guy in a ski mask attacked him the night of the eighth. Tried to make it look like a robbery gone bad.
Sean Cudlow: You think I'm the only guy to ever commit a crime in a ski mask? The second guy, Neuhaus if he was helping Wagner, that's good. I feel less bad about what happened. But, I'm telling you I didn't come after anyone else.
Bell: All right, can you tell us where you were the night of the eighth?
Sean Cudlow: Yeah. On duty. Check my logs. I was working extra shifts that week.
Watson: Oh, hey. I didn't know you were in here. I was gonna watch a football game.
Sherlock: It's Thursday.
Watson: Yeah. So, what were you doing?
Sherlock: I'm thinking.
Watson: Thinking about what?
Sherlock: Sean Cudlow. His alibi for the night of the eighth checks out. He's not the one who made an attempt on Dorian Moll's life.
Watson: Well maybe there wasn't an attempt. I mean, Dorian thought it was a real mugging, maybe it was.
Sherlock: You've been away from your phone for 32 minutes.
Watson: So what does that have to do...
Sherlock: You didn't see this text from Marcus. Tim Wagner's DNA is not a match for the skin recovered from beneath Howard Cudlow's fingernails.
Watson: Wait a second. He didn't kill Cudlow?
Sherlock: Obviously, he was there the night of the murder. He was so concerned it might be his genetic material that he went to the trouble of finding a doppelganger to take a DNA test for him.
Watson: So he was an accessory, someone else did the killing?
Sherlock: That coupled with Officer Cudlow's insistence he was not aware of Dorian Moll has left me with a rather nasty taste in my mouth. We've missed something. Oriskany Falls University had an enrollment of nearly 3,000 people in 2004. Perhaps we could attend one of their reunions, make cheek swabs a condition of entry.
Watson: Oriskany Falls is in Central New York, right?
Sherlock: Last time I checked.
Watson: And the police there confirm that all the other members of Kappa Rho Pi from 2004 passed their DNA tests.
Sherlock: Correct. Who are you calling?
Watson: Marcus. I want him to ask the Oriskany Falls Police Department for their original list of suspects. I have a feeling Tim Wagner isn't the only name we'll recognize.
Bell: Mrs. Moll? I'm Detective Marcus Bell, NYPD. This is Detective Meadows.
Mrs. Moll: What did Dorian do now?
Dorian Moll: How did you know I was here?
Bell: Oh, your neighbor in 2-D came back from vacation. Parents' place seemed like the next best bet. I wanted to talk to you again about the night you were attacked.
Dorian: Tell me you found the guy.
Bell: We think so. We're planning on sitting down with him, but first, we were hoping you could put us in touch with a friend of his.
Gregson: This is Mr. Holmes. You know Miss Watson and Detective Bell. We just have a few more I's to dot. It shouldn't take too long.
Sherlock: Uh, before you settle in, would you mind showing us your shins?
Curtis Tofano: Excuse me?
Sherlock: Your shins, front parts of your lower legs.
Sherlock: Your ah, socks. Yeah, they look about the right age, a few weeks into healing.
Bell: Dorian said he got one or two good kicks in the night he got jumped.
Tofano: What are you talking about? I got these playing racquetball. I thought this stuff with Dorian was done, okay? If someone tried to hurt him, you can't pin that on me.
Sherlock: You're right. Sadly, we cannot connect you to the attack on Dorian Moll. It is quite likely, however, that we can connect you to the murder of Howard Cudlow.
Watson: When we visited your office, you said that you went to school near Cooperstown. Oriskany Falls University, right?
Tofano: Yeah. How'd you know that?
Bell: You were there the same time as Howard Cudlow and Tim Wagner. It's funny you not mentioning that when we talked to you about Mr. Wagner's murder the other day.
Watson: You pledged Kappa Rho Pi the same year Howard did, but the school suspended the frat's charter after he went missing, so you never got to join. The Oriskany Falls police talked to you in 2004, and then, after they found the body six months ago, they asked you for your DNA.
Holmes: By this time, Dorian Moll was quite the thorn in your company's side awareness of his DoppelHunts, however, gave you a way out. You approached him, under an assumed name, and then he found a double for you. You then paid that double to take a DNA test for you.
Gregson: We're also guessing you're the one who told Tim Wagner about Mr. Moll's Web site. Both of you were there the night Howard Cudlow died. You knew if he was arrested he could bring you down, too.
Holmes: Surely, you and Mr. Wagner knew that it was risky using Dorian Moll's Web site to find your doubles. But his modifications to your company's software made the hunts possible, so you found that risk acceptable.
Watson: Then the site starting getting more attention. You worried that people might figure out what you had done. So you tried to shut him down.
Bell: Only your buddy was having a harder time finding a double to take the DNA test. First one said no, and by the time you found Otto Neuhaus, it was too late. Howard's brother already had him in his sights.
Tofano: Dorian is a nut and a thief. You can't believe a word he says.
Bell: What about Mitchell Newsome? Dorian helped put me in touch with him this morning. He wasn't too excited about going to jail for hindering prosecution, so he told us the story you told him to convince him to take that DNA test.
Gregson: You and Cudlow and a friend were trespassing at a construction site. Your friend shoved Cudlow, Cudlow fell. When your friend realized that Cudlow's back was broken, he panicked and finished him off.
Sherlock: Obviously, the friend that you referenced was Tim Wagner. But it wasn't his skin found beneath Howard Cudlow's fingernails. It was yours. Now, you might argue that's not enough to prove that you're the one who strangled him, but a jury might disagree.
Bell: I've got two presents for you from the Oriskany Falls PD. One's a warrant. The other's a swab.
Bell (phone): Yeah, that's right, Dorian, it's done. You can go home now. Well again, that's a very kind offer, but no, thanks, we're good. You got it. Bye.
Watson: Free DoppelHunts? Really?
Watson: Shut up.
Bell: For all of us. He promised the experience would, and I quote, "blow our freakin' minds."
Watson: So in other words, he hasn't learned one thing.
Bell: Could you imagine two of your partner?
Sherlock: Come to say good-bye?
Morland: May I come in? I wanted you to know that I have wired a commission to your account for your services this past week.
Sherlock: Well, that was unnecessary.
Morland: It's done. Give it to charity if you like. Give it to Joan. I know it doesn't matter to you. I wish I knew what you did want. I came because I'd like to make a confession.
Sherlock: Well, I would dial the authorities for you, but I wouldn't know which ones.
Morland: The work I've been doing in New York this past week, the business with Donya, could just as easily have been handled elsewhere.
Sherlock: You mean another city.
Morland: You caught me by surprise when you came to my office the other day and you asked why I was still here. And my predicament with her was the first thing that came to mind. Truth is I've lingered because of you.
Sherlock: You need a kidney. Or bone marrow. Or do you want a front-row seat in case I relapse again?
Morland: That's enough, Sherlock! Enough! I know why you hate me. But the past is the past. I wish to move forward.
Sherlock: How do you plan on doing that?
Morland: Well, for one thing, I'll be staying in New York indefinitely. You've been through trauma. I wish to be close by in case I can be of further assistance.
Sherlock: So now you wish to parent me?
Morland: You know yourself, Sherlock. You know who you are, you know who you were. Ask yourself when you were a boy, could anyone have parented you?
Sherlock: I can think of one person.
Morland: If she were here what do you suppose she would want us to do? The world is as wretched a place as it's ever been. A sad fact, but a boon to my particular business. I'll have no shortage of work to tend to while I'm here. And perhaps before all is said and done we'll collaborate again.