|This page is a transcript for the Season one episode The Deductionist.|
Sexy Woman #1: You ready to get into the act?
Sherlock Holmes: I thought you'd never ask. What's this? Intermission?
Sexy Woman #1: This is the part where we take your stuff.
Sexy Woman #2: We're robbing you.
Holmes: Well, I don't suppose you could finish the show first.
Sexy Woman #1: How much money do you keep in the house?
Holmes: Never been robbed by people in their underwear before. Well, no. Was one chap, but, uh, you are much prettier.
Sexy Woman #1: You want to do this the hard way? Fine.
Holmes: You know, I'd heard rumors of two prostitutes who bind innocent whoremongers and then rob them. But to think that those two women ended up in my home on-on this very evening. I suppose I should thank you. I usually investigate crimes of a more homicidal nature, but it's been an uneventful few days. Gentlemen! Just one question before you leave. Can I keep these?
Joan Watson: I'm glad your bust was such a success last night, but this place still smells like stripper.
Holmes: Does it?
Watson: Yeah. What's with the sword?
Holmes: It's not a sword, it's a singlestick.
Watson: Well, it looks like a sword.
Holmes: In sword sports, virtually the entire body is a target. In singlestick, the players mark their distance, plant their feet and strike only at the pate.
Watson: You mean the forehead?
Holmes: I mean the pate.
Watson: So, your docket's still open today?
Holmes: Sadly, yes.
Watson: Well, my landlord called. I have to go to my apartment this morning. I think my subletter has been throwing parties or playing loud music or something.
Holmes: I confess, Watson. I find your insistence on maintaining your own residence puzzling.
Holmes: As a live-in sobriety counselor, you could, in theory, live rent-free in the most expensive city in the world indefinitely. Why not embrace the fact that you are a professional nomad and give the place up? 'Cause I love my apartment.
Watson: It's my sanctum sanctorum. When I get a job, I sublet it, and when I'm done, I go back. And it's rent-controlled.
Holmes: Those dolly-mops I ensnared last night, their performance was quite invigorating. I've got a bit to work out.
Vasquez: Are you Krebs?
Maxwell Krebs: Yes.
Vasquez: Delivery for you.
Krebs: Mr. Ennis, welcome to Saint Gerard's.
Howard Ennis: Is my sister here yet?
Krebs: She is, but per the agreement your attorney made with the state, you won't be allowed to see her while you're here. Once you're inside, we'll prep you for surgery. We'll remove one kidney, and then transplant it into your sister. Do you understand these terms as I have explained them to you?
Vasquez: Man asked you a question, Ennis.
Howard: Sorry. It's just, uh, it's been a long time since I've seen someone so afraid of me. I've missed it.
Doctor: You're going to start to feel drowsy, Mr. Ennis. Would you please count down from 20 for me? Uh, officer, I'll need you to remove the cuffs so we can sterilize the abdomen.
Nurse: Doctor? I think there's something's wrong with the IV. The anesthetic isn't entering the vein. It's pooling beneath...aaah!
Captain Gregson: Howard Ennis killed two corrections officers, three doctors and a nurse before he escaped.
Holmes: I'm quite familiar with the man. He stalked women via the Internet, killed 13 of them in New York and New Jersey before he was arrested eight years ago. All of the victims, blonde, all of them taller than five foot, seven.
Watson: I remember this. They called him the Peeler.
Watson: Why is it ridiculous? Didn't he skin people?
Holmes: It's ridiculous to give the man a clever little nickname. It lends an air of omniscience that these people in no way deserve. You've met serial murderers. They're duller than the Queen's jubilee. Mouth-breathers and chronic onanists, the lot of them.
Gregson: Just a heads-up. It's bad in there. Like I said, Ennis got the drop on them somehow.
Holmes: He pulled the IV line intended to deliver the general anesthetic out of his vein. It pooled up beneath the surface of his skin instead of putting him to sleep. He then slowed his heart rate and his pulse rate by practiced meditation to fool the machines. Attacked when the time was right.
Gregson: You just walked in here. How could you possibly know that?
Holmes: Bloodstain. Might as well have a flashing arrow pointing towards it. There's blood everywhere, of course, but this stain is of particular interest. It's clearly been diluted with some other agent. Chemical. What's the most common general anesthetic?
Holmes: Propofol. I'll wager we'll find that here. This stain was created when he yanked the IV from his arm.
Gregson: The heart rate? The pulse?
Holmes: What? It's common knowledge, the fakirs of Bangladesh can meditate their circulatory systems to a virtual standstill. This man was shot in the head so that his scrubs wouldn't be stained with blood. He took them, pointed his stolen gun at whoever he needed to, walked out the front door. That's how he left. I would certainly like to know where Ennis is going, and what he intends to do with his newfound freedom.
Gregson: Not sure if this is going to be any help. Yo. Ennis left a message behind.
Gregson: It's a star.
Holmes: The traditional name for Alpha Cassiopeia, the southernmost star of the Cassiopeia Constellation.
Gregson: No clue what he's trying to tell us, but our partners are chewing on it.
Gregson: It's a serial case. The FBI is here, too.
Kathryn Drummond: I came to understand Howard Ennis as well as any suspect I've pursued.
Holmes: What's she doing here?
Gregson: She's the profiler who nailed Ennis the first time around. Kathryn Drummond. Makes sense that the Bureau wants her to run point for them.
Detective: Captain, call for you.
Watson: You know her?
Holmes: We worked together when an American serial killer came to London. She's a buffoon. All profilers are. They're snake oil salesmen who cast maladjusted closet cases as criminal geniuses in the media. The profilers, in turn, can be super-geniuses when the killers are caught.
Watson: Isn't profiling part of what you do?
Holmes: I deduce. Enormous difference.
Drummond: Holmes. Glad to see you landed on your feet in New York. I heard you had some difficulties in London.
Holmes: Nice to see you're keeping tabs on me.
Holmes: This is Joan Watson. She accompanies me. Helps keep those difficulties from reoccurring.
Drummond: Nice to meet you.
Watson: And you.
Holmes: We are talking about heroin, right?
Drummond: Where's your Captain? I need the manpower to do a four-quadrant search of the neighborhood.
Holmes: Did you know that Patricia Ennis, Howard Ennis's sister, is a patient here? Why not talk to her first? She was the one he was ostensibly here to help, so maybe she has some insight as to where he's gone. Oh, no. Wait. Your book, that's right. What was it called? Profiles in Terror. Yes, Ms. Drummond wrote a book about Howard Ennis after she caught him. Got into a spot of bother when she speculated about the sexual abuse he must surely have suffered at the hands of his parents, because they said it was a lie. Sued you for libel, correct?
Drummond: That got thrown out of court. Nice to meet you.
Patricia Ennis: This never would have happened if, if I hadn't gotten Howard out of prison.
Gregson: It's not your fault.
Patricia: No, but after I got sick, I asked the doctor if there was any other way. I didn't want any part of him inside of me. But the waiting list for the transplant was so long. The, the doctor said that a a sibling would be the best match.
Holmes: Do you have any idea where your brother might have gone?
Patricia: Until I asked him for the kidney, we hadn't spoken in years. I have some letters that he wrote me. I could give you those if you want.
Gregson: Yes, that would be very helpful. Thank you.
Patricia: Is she gonna be part of the investigation?
Gregson: She is, but you won't have to...
Patricia: So glad she's helping. Howard needs to be stopped. She did it once, she can do it again.
Watson: Hi, Bruce. Let me guess, The air valve's making that whistling sound again?
Bruce Kushner: You know how this old radiator gets in the winter.
Watson: Yeah, well, when I hear it, I know I'm home.
Bruce: You know the Conklins up on three?
Watson: Yeah, of course.
Bruce: Their son's a teenager now. He went to certain Web pages. So Mrs. Conklin learns about it. Checks the search history to see what her boy's been exposed to. She found a pornographic film that was made right here, in this apartment.
Watson: What are you talking about?
Bruce: The guy you sublet the apartment to, Cooper? He's been shooting pornography here.
Holmes: I take it your meeting did not go well. You haven't asked why I'm lying on the table. You are clearly distracted.
Watson: My subletter filmed a pornographic movie in my apartment, so now I'm getting evicted.
Holmes: Well, I suppose now you can do as I suggested, live as a wandering nomad of sobriety.
Watson: I don't want to be a wandering nomad of sobriety. I want my own space.
Holmes: Well, perhaps I could help you reclaim it.
Watson: No. I mean I appreciate it, it's just that I want my apartment the way it was before it was violated. Yeah, I, I saw some of the movie while I was there. I don't think I could live there again. Why are you lying on the table?
Holmes: I'm looking at the stars. That's Cassiopeia, oriented as it appears now in the night sky. It fits precisely into a map of Manhattan of that scale. The first "X" is Shedir, the first star. Site of this morning's murders in Greenwich Village. That would put the second star in Turtle Bay, somewhere near the U.N, the third star, Columbus Circle. You get the idea.
Watson: This is a map of where Ennis plans to kill people. This is important. Did you tell anyone yet?
Holmes: They're all very excited. Resources being reallocated as we speak. Trouble is, I think it's all bollocks.
Watson: Wait, you think you're wrong?
Holmes: I think I cracked a code that was intended to be cracked. I think he wants the police directing resources to these locations so he can, I don't know, watch them. Like mice running a maze of his own design. Oh, speaking of vermin.
Watson: What is it with you and that woman? It's obviously more than just hating profilers.
Holmes: If you're asking if we had sex, the answer is yes, obviously.
Watson: Oh, so she's an ex?
Holmes: More like a "C," C-plus at best. We had an arrangement while she was in London, similar to the arrangement I have with other women here in New York. We performed the act of love loudly and repeatedly, without any actual love, or even any like. I would describe it as an act of self-love were it not for the fact that she was technically present.
Watson: I get it.
Holmes: Now I would just prefer her not to send the police on an ego-driven wild goose chase.
Drummond: We updated the profile to reflect our latest thinking.
Holmes: Captain, I know Ms. Drummond is entitled to her say, but before you imbibe any profiling snake oil, I would like to offer my own assessment.
Drummond: We're in the middle of a meeting here.
Holmes: Cassiopeia code is certainly alluring. Perhaps too alluring. Howard Ennis is not a spree killer. believe he is trying to distract us. He'll lie low, he'll change his appearance, but eventually, he will pick up a blade, and he will find another young blonde.
Gregson: Is that it? Ms. Drummond's latest profile. Basically, it says what you just said.
Drummond: Ennis had to know we'd break the code.
Holmes: I didn't know you were capable of that level of thinking, but you have been exposed to my methods, so...
Gregson: I, I don't know what's going on between you two, but the important thing to me is that my top consultant and the Bureau's top profiler agree with each other.
Sophie: Oh, God! Please, please don't...
Howard: Will you do me a favor? Would you mind taking my picture with your phone?
Gregson: He walked into the store and shot everyone here except for the one person that actually fits his victim profile. You two said he would lie low. Change his appearance. Is this what you call lying low?
Drummond: I confess, a crime like this is out of character for Howard Ennis. But it doesn't invalidate anything I wrote in my report. The register was robbed. Stands to reason Howard Ennis would have varied his routine because he needed cash to get out of town.
Drummond: Excuse me?
Holmes: Poppycock. The desperate rhetorical contortions of someone with a pathological need to be right.
Drummond: Same old Sherlock Holmes.
Holmes: Look around you. Howard Ennis, despite his many flaws, is not a complete moron. If money had been his goal, why would he rob a place like this? What's the most he could have gotten away with? $200, maybe $300?
Drummond: Doesn't take much to go on the lam.
Holmes: Then explain his decision to leave that woman alive. You can't, can you? 'Cause you and I both know that her crossing his path was like a piece of chum crossing the path of a ravenous shark.
Watson: You think he's sending a message?
Holmes: I do. I just don't know what it is.
Watson: You told me you were a documentary filmmaker.
Cooper: Bruce talked to you.
Watson: No, Cooper, I just watch a ton of porn. Imagine my surprise when I saw a bunch of people having sex in my living room, on my couch.
Cooper: Okay, you're angry. You totally should be.
Watson: You think?
Cooper: Look, for what it's worth, I really did want to make a movie about child soldiers in the Sudan.
Watson: But, what, a bunch of porn actors broke in here and forced you to film them instead? I needed the money.
Cooper: I, I couldn't get anyone to invest in the documentary, so I had to turn back to alternative filmmaking to pay the rent.
Watson: Wait a second, what do you mean, "turn back"? You mean you made other "films"?
Cooper: Not here. But yeah. I'm sorry. Joan, seriously, if I had the money, I would have shot it anywhere but here. Man, did this get screwed up! After you took the apartment back, I was gonna ask you out!
Holmes: How did it go with your friend the auteur? Didn't talk you into a sequel, did he?
Watson: He's not my friend. And he's getting kicked out, same as me. How's it going here?
Watson: Poorly. I detached myself from the Ennis manhunt several hours ago. I thought I could be more use to the police here. Trying to decipher his game. I was wrong.
Watson: That's mature.
Holmes: Started out as a simple mustache, if you can believe it.
Watson: I know why you don't like her.
Holmes: You recall my aversion to bile-spewing pig-women?
Watson: "The Deductionist." An article she wrote for a psychiatric journal ten years ago, about a police consultant she met while on assignment in London. A man she said was "in possession of a uniquely potent deductive mind." You seem genuinely upset by her today. So, I Googled her, and I found the article. She never referred to you by name, but still, some of the things that she wrote...
Holmes: When I first met Kathryn Drummond, she showed a modicum of potential as an investigator. So, aside from our extracurricular exertions, I tried to tutor her in my methods. She seemed quite amenable, at the time. Little did I know she was merely interested in gaining a better understanding of the inner workings of my mind.
Watson: She was profiling you.
Holmes: Well, that's one word for it, yes. Discovering the betrayal was one thing, discovering that she was far more perceptive than I realized was quite another. She predicted my struggles with addiction. She saw it coming, I did not.
Watson: Is that what this is all about? The fact that she she got one thing right?
Holmes: It was, as you will recall from the piece, one of several quite alarming prognostications she made regarding my future. One of several methods by which I might self-destruct. And if she was right about one well...
Gregson: We got a city in panic. We got seven dead bodies in the Morgue. Now, I know my guys are everything they can to find Howard Ennis. And you're the so-called Howard Ennis expert. You don't seem to have the first clue what he's up to next.
Drummond: I admit, Howard Ennis's behavior up to this point has been perplexing. It contradicts everything I've come to know about the man.
Watson: Maybe the chaos is the point. The randomness, the deliberate flouting of his profile. Maybe he wants to confuse you.
Holmes: Ms. Watson has a point, Captain. Yesterday, I posited that Ennis was attempting to send us a message. Today, I would posit that the confusion is the message.
Detective Bell: Captain, it's Ennis. He just called the station, asked to speak to the person in charge of the task force. I got him on hold in your office.
Gregson (phone): This is Captain Gregson of the NYPD.
Howard (phone): Hello, Captain Gregson of the NYPD. This is Howard Ennis. May I assume that my old friend Ms. Drummond is listening in?
Gregson (phone): Say your piece, Mr. Ennis.
Howard (phone): I'll take that as a yes. I saw you on the news yesterday, Kathryn. You are not aging well. I'm calling because I thought it was time that I explained what I'm up to.
Holmes (phone): Actually, Mr. Ennis, that won't be necessary.
Howard (phone): Excuse me?
Holmes (phone): Well, I just figured it out. This is entirely about Ms. Drummond, correct? You despise her. Why? Well, obvious answer is that she's the agent most responsible for your capture, but I think there's more to it than that. You detest her because she solved you. She climbed inside your head, she pulled all your ugly secrets out and exposed them. She demystified you. And now you're doing everything in your power to violate her profile of you, rail against it, show everyone that, well, you never really were solved.
Howard (phone): I like you. I know who you are. The Deductionist. Accent gave you away. You see, I did a lot of reading in prison. I, uh, found everything Kathryn ever wrote. And, by the way, you're right. I do want to humiliate Kathryn. But not because of what she did to me. Because of what she did to my family.
Drummond (phone): Family? Are you serious, Howard? Didn't you just abandon your dying sister in a hospital?
Howard (phone): My father was a good man. Wasn't his fault that I ended up the way I did. But you, Kathryn you alleged that he abused me on a regular basis, that he made me into the man that I am today.
Drummond (phone): You know as well as I know that there were multiple allegations of abuse.
Howard (phone): My father, as most of you probably know, hung himself in his garage a few months after the book came out. My mother never really got over it. She died less than a year later. If you ask me, Kathryn, you all but put a gun to their heads. You want me to stop doing what I'm doing, Captain Gregson of the NYPD? All you have to do is give me Kathryn Drummond.
Holmes: I think his demands are quite reasonable.
Holmes: A wall of newspaper clippings. Journals filled with his innermost inanities. Souvenirs from the women he murdered. Ennis seems resolved to leave no cliche unturned. So we're no closer to finding him than we were an hour ago.
Drummond: I'm not so sure about that. Standing inside this space is like standing inside Howard Ennis's brain. It's hard to imagine there isn't something of value here.
Holmes: Actually, it's quite easy to imagine. He let us find this place. He left his cell phone here so we could triangulate its signal. Why? 'Cause he's making a point. This room represents who he was, not who he is. If there was anything of value here, Ennis never would have led us to it. Were you not listening when I explained his plan to become profile-proof?
Holmes: Just out of curiosity, how accurate were your allegations against the Ennis family? The first allegations of sexual abuse came in your profile, but that was just pure speculation. Your book, on the other hand, you quoted an anonymous source, a neighbor who claimed that Ennis had confided in him about the abuses.
Drummond: So? What are you saying?
Holmes: Well, I'm saying that you've been known to cut corners. In the article you wrote about me, for example, you included things that I had said to you privately as though they were quotes for attribution.
Drummond: You did say them, though. And my article was right about you.
Holmes: So far. So, was there a neighbor? Or were you just guessing about Ennis being sexually abused?
Drummond: Ennis's pathology was consistent with sexual abuse. I've chased men like him for 20 years. It's been present every single time.
Holmes: Doesn't mean it was present here. So, if you were wrong, it was a costly mistake. Ennis's father quoted your book in his suicide note. You spurred Howard to eight murders and counting.
Drummond: Oh, like Howard Ennis needs a reason to kill people.
Holmes: Maybe he doesn't, but he didn't have this reason until you came along.
Watson: I'm going to bed. You need anything?
Holmes: I know that Kathryn Drummond is obsessed with her work. She prides herself on the accuracy of her profiles. But to think she would've gone so far as to destroy a family to lend credence to one of her claims.
Watson: Did you ever consider the possibility that she lied about you in the article?
Holmes: What would she have to gain? I was never revealed as the subject in the article. No one ever compared me to it. Anyway, she got a good deal right.
Watson: She predicted your drug problem. So what? You got clean. You picked up your career right where you left off. And you even made a friend, something that Kathryn claimed in her article was virtually impossible. Me. I'm talking about me. Look, my point is that the only thing that anyone can predict about people with 100% certainty is that they'll change. And anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.
Watson: Oh, my God. Is that...
Holmes: You have a lovely home, Watson. Excellent light. I found today quite taxing. I thought your pornography might distract me.
Watson: It's not my pornography.
Holmes: The sex, I'm sorry to say, is quite mundane. And even if it wasn't, the continuity gaffes make it virtually unwatchable.
Watson: What are you talking about?
Holmes: Note the clock. 11:20 here, 5:00 there, 11:20 again and many others. If I were you, I wouldn't be upset that a dirty movie was produced in my home, I would be upset that it was produced so sloppily. And if you haven't already, I strongly recommend that you find yourself a new spatula.
Holmes: Watson! Morning.
Watson: What is it?
Holmes: Captain Gregson just texted, said there was some sort of disturbance at Patricia Ennis's home last night. It's possible that Howard Ennis tried to break in. If he did, he may have left some clue as to his whereabouts. I'm in a hurry. Shall I select your undergarments as well?
Gregson: False alarm. Ennis wasn't here last night.
Holmes: Well, someone was.
Gregson: Couple of Miss Ennis's neighbors threw these from the street. I guess they didn't know about her connection to her brother until all the news coverage this week. Excuse me. Yes, Chief.
Holmes: Shall I take a picture for Kathryn, show her how her little tome affects the Ennis family to this very day? Hungry, Watson?
Watson: No, it's just this food. It's exactly the opposite of what someone with kidney problems should be eating. The chips and the jerky are high in sodium. The licorice contains glycyrrhizin, which can interfere with renal function. She would've known not to buy these.
Holmes: Hmm. Cheese balls.
Watson: What is it?
Holmes: It's frankincense. With a hint of carrot seed. Yeah. Essential oils, concentrated liquids that contain volatile aroma compounds from plants.
Watson: I know what essential oils are.
Holmes: Typically, they're used in aromatherapy.
Watson: But you can smell them on the bottom of her drinking glass?
Holmes: Mmm. Obviously you know that liquids of this type are highly toxic when ingested.
Watson: Especially to the renal system.
Drummond: Those things I said about your parents I believed them when I put them in your brother's profile. But when I was writing the book, I couldn't prove the abuse. I didn't want to back down, so I made up a source. After your family sued, I paid one of your neighbors to say he was the person I talked to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your father. Your mother. You. I even owe your brother an apology.
Patricia: Come a little closer. It's getting hard for me to talk.
Bell (phone): Hey.
Holmes (phone): Captain said you accompanied Agent Drummond to speak with Miss Ennis. Are you with them now?
Bell (phone): Well, I'm in the hall. Miss Ennis said she wanted some water.
Holmes (phone): She destroyed her kidneys deliberately. She's working with her brother.
Patricia: You can arrest me now. It's done.
Patricia: She came here to apologize. As though a simple "I'm sorry" could make up for any of it.
Gregson: You're referring to the allegations she made about your parents in her book.
Patricia: I hate that word. "Allegations." Call them what they are. Lies. Finding out what Howard did devastated us. But Kathryn Drummond's book is what destroyed us.
Holmes: All of your correspondence over the last year with your brother was monitored. I imagine he procured a cell phone from somewhere.
Patricia: Yeah, he called me a little, a little over a year ago on the anniversary of our Dad's death. He was crying. He knew that I was having a hard time.
Gregson: Is that when he told you to poison yourself?
Patricia: I don't know when he came up with the plan. I, I just know that it, it just sounded right, like it was it was supposed to happen. He would be out there, humiliating her, and I would be in here, waiting for her.
Watson: I spoke to the surgeon who was operating on her. He thinks there's a chance she'll survive.
Gregson: And as for you, you're going to jail. Your kidneys are ruined, and I'd say you dropped a notch or two on the old transplant list.
Patricia: If I die, I die. At least I know I died trying to right a terrible wrong.
Holmes: He targeted her 'cause he knew that she was weak. He knows that he could bend her to his will.
Bell: Captain? Ennis again. They just transferred him from the office.
Gregson (phone): This is Captain Gregson.
Howard (phone): If your men are scrambling to trace this call, you can tell them to relax. I'm calling through a router that I placed across town the other day.
Gregson: 'Course you are.
Howard: I heard on the news that Kathryn's still alive. I wanted you to know that I think that's a shame. Means I'm going to have to keep making my point.
Gregson: Sit tight.
Watson: What's up?
Holmes: Signal for that station's weak here.
Holmes: I need to look into something. I'll call you shortly.
Holmes: Mr. Ennis, do come in. You could run, but I, I do have your handgun. It's just me. Please.
Howard: How'd you find me?
Holmes: You were tuning your radio when you called Captain Gregson. You dialed past a number of frequencies, but two stood out. Columbia University's station has quite a weak signal strength, just a few miles, but it dwarfs the Greek-language station that you skipped past. That's a micro-broadcaster, a tiny little station for the Greek immigrant community. Now, very little overlap between those two stations. Just a few blocks, actually. There are a number of empty buildings within those blocks, but most of those are homes that are being remodeled. This one was seized under federal asset forfeiture laws, and um, ta-da!
Howard: So, what do you want?
Holmes: You and I have both been profiled by Kathryn Drummond. You've read "The Deductionist." You'll recall she doesn't predict a very pleasant end for me.
Howard: No, no, she doesn't. She said that you were, um, destined for self-destruction.
Holmes: Mmm. The term she used was self-annihilation. "A tangle of incandescent talent and ingrained character flaws that can only lead to one end, self-annihilation." I think Drummond's good. Mmm. She predicted my struggles with addiction. And in my less hopeful moments, I wonder whether she might be right about my ultimate fate.
Howard: She really has a way of getting in your head, doesn't she? Do you want to talk about what she wrote?
Holmes: No. I'm not interested in your words, Howard. I'm interested in your actions. I want to see if either of us could be more than our profile. Her assessment of you is equally withering. She believes that you are, at your core, a coward. That regardless of the violence of your assaults, you would shrink away from any confrontation on equal terms.
Howard: So you come here alone and lay out a gun and a pair of handcuffs.
Holmes: Precisely. An experiment. Two choices. Now, if you are, in fact, a chicken-heart, you will choose the handcuffs and surrender, but if you're willing to face an opponent face-to-face, you'll choose the gun. Personally, I hope you go for the gun. If you do, it'll prove that Drummond was wrong about you, and if she was wrong about you being a coward...
Howard: Then maybe she's wrong about how you'll end up, too. Maybe you won't die after turning back to drugs to dull those senses that just won't quite shut down. Is that what you're terrified of?
Holmes: That and clowns. Word of warning. If you reach for the gun, I will reach for you. The choice is yours.
Howard: Aaah! Oooh!
Holmes: Well done. Technically only supposed to strike you in the pate. But I suppose rules were made to be broken.
Holmes: Well, before you punch me or suspend me, please keep in mind that I texted you the moment I heard Ennis enter the building.
Gregson: And the reason you decided to engage him on your own?
Holmes: I, I needed to learn something.
Gregson: And did you?
Holmes: I can't say, really. I won't know for years.
Bruce: Damn it! Hey, Joan.
Watson: Radiator's acting up again?
Bruce: Never know when Old Faithful's gonna blow. Listen, I appreciate your calling ahead, but we don't need to be so formal about this.
Watson: It's a funny thing about that radiator. In the movie that Cooper shot, uh, he did several takes. In some of the takes, there's tape wrapped around the air valve. In others, there isn't. It's a basic continuity error. I mean, I don't think Cooper's directing career is going to go anywhere.
Watson: But it's almost as if it started whistling, and then they called someone in to fix it. Someone with a special shortcut involving electrical tape. You were here the whole time, weren't you, Bruce? But at, at first, I, I could not figure out why you would do something like that. And then I remembered that this place is rent-controlled, so if I violate my lease, you can evict me, and then you can charge market-value for this place.
Bruce: I'm hardly the only guy, with electrical tape.
Watson: No, but you know the actors in that movie they work a lot and there not hard to track down. They all confirmed that you were here the whole time. You participated in the filming of an unlicensed production. That is against the law.
Bruce: What do you want?
Watson: I want you and Cooper to pay for all of my stuff to be put in storage until I find a new place. I also want 1200 dollars for that couch. Because after everything it's been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.
Watson: How's Kathryn?
Holmes: Unconscious, yet still somehow annoying to me. The doctor says she should be out and about practicing her pseudo science in no time. Oh, uh, I got you something. To replace the one desecrated by a sex act.
Holmes: It gets better.
Watson: I don't understand. Nobody did anything to my toothbrush in that movie.
Holmes: Not in the movie no, certainly not.
Watson: I'm confused, are you saying that you did something to my toothbrush? Sherlock?